


Heartbreak

by LittleShopofMetalCacti



Category: This Is Not Romance (Webcomic)
Genre: I felt like harming this precious child, Other, Suicide mention, cutting mention, drinking mention, sadfic, sue me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-18 17:50:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11295696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleShopofMetalCacti/pseuds/LittleShopofMetalCacti
Summary: I can't summarize. Just please read it xD





	Heartbreak

_Cold... Piercing... Painful..._

_If someone asked me what it would feel like to drown, that's what I would've used to describe it. I had never thought about what it would be like to drown, or why I would want to drown. It all just kinda... happens, I guess._

_I guess... what I'm trying to say is.. Don't take what you have for granted. Because, someday, it may be gone. Just like that. But, hey, you don't know me, and I don't know you. So, why don't we start from the beginning, huh?_

_I could tell you my name, but there's really no point in that, if you don't know me. I guess, um... I guess we could go with my age? I'm 27, and I'll be turning 28 in a few months. Kind of exciting, I guess. I don't know, I never really liked the idea of getting older. With age comes responsibility and... Sometimes, mid-life crises._

_I wouldn't say what I experienced was a mid-life crisis, it was more like... insanity. Not mental insanity, but physical, touchable insanity. Yeah, I know, that sounds stupid, but just hear me out, okay?_

_When I was younger, I... didn't fit in very well, if at all. I was very... shy, I guess you could call it. I wasn't antisocial by any means, I just.. I don't know. Kids seemed to always avoid me. They just didn't like me, I guess. I was fine with that, though. I had my notepad, my 23 scented pens and my mind. I was happy. Keyword:_ Was.

_Then I went into middle school. I could still be classified as a kid at this point, but I was a big kid. At least, that's what my mom used to tell me. As a middle schooler, I knew that whatever I did here would basically follow me for the rest of my life 'cause I'm not a kid anymore._ "I know better. If I were to royally fuck up here, it would be on my record and affect me in the near future." _I had that implanted in my brain like a computer chip._

_On the first day of school, I was as nervous as a human can be. I was shaking, and on the verge of crying, vomiting or both. I wasn't sure. But I knew one thing_ : Today starts the first day of the rest of my life. _School, work, friends... That's what I imagined life was all about. A good balance between working and having fun. And I wasn't entirely wrong. My vision was just a bit too... perfect._

_By the middle of the semester, I was drained. I had straight A's, my teachers loved me and I hadn't gotten a single detention. It sounds nice, right? Wrong. Being a teacher's pet, plus a goody-goody, just makes you a primary target for other kids. My life felt like a living Hell, and I had no idea that it was going to get so much worse. By the end of the day, I was always covered in bruises and sometimes bite marks, and my mom was always extremely worried. I told her every day that I was fine, that they didn't mean anything by it. My mom was a wonderful woman. I never wanted to worry her. I looked up online ways to deal with bullying, physical and mental. I found a lot of online therapists or counselors, but I didn't think they could help. They'd just tell me to go to adults, talk it out, all that bullshit. Then I found something. It wasn't anything professional. It was more... I don't know how to describe it, honestly. It was a post on some blog site, and I loved it._

"Life can really confuse you, huh? Sometimes you feel like everything is fine and you love being alive, and other times... Well, you just want to die. I'm here to tell you that suicide is never the answer. Life is beautiful, every up and down, every twist and turn. All of it is just a tough road leading you to a beautiful ending. Think of life as a visual novel! You try so hard to get that one character you love, and you think you're on the wrong path. But then the ending comes up, and it's beautiful. It always is. So, please, just remember that every time you feel suicidal or like harming yourself. You're important, no matter what others say or do. You are loved, you are cared about, and you are safe."

_I didn't even know that I was feeling suicidal before I read that post, but after I read it... I realized that yeah, I was kinda feeling like just not existing. But that post flashed through my mind every time I felt like quitting or giving up, always followed by pictures of my mom and my dad. That's what pushed me to never give up and work hard._

_By the time I got to high school, I already had a friend. He was really sweet, and he was always there for me when I felt down or I was having an off day. I started to realize that... I may like him as more than a friend. But he never showed any signs of liking me like I liked him, so I never tried to bring it up._

_Later on, near the end of the year, came prom. The night that girls squealed about. The night that guys dreaded if they didn't have a date. Like me. I wasn't too worried about it, since I didn't really plan on going. But... Well, then I got this message._

'Hey. I know prom is stupid and nothing really happens there, but... Ya wanna go with me? Just for fun?'

_I was.. shocked, to say the least. He hadn't shown any interest in me, nor had he shown any interest in guys period. He had piercings, muscles and talked about getting tattoos when he turned 18. I thought he was as straight as a board. But, I guess, I was wrong. I didn't really know how to respond..._

'Sure, just for fun. ^^'

_Yeah, I thought that was extremely stupid at the time. But, as I got older, and we went on actual dates, I didn't regret making that choice at all. What do I regret? Everything after high school. I guess there's no harm in naming that certain friend. His name was Chet. We did... practically everything together. We hung out a lot after school... A lot of people at school called us a couple, and I wasn't exactly opposed to the idea. Chet didn't deny it, either, which made me feel kinda good._

_Though, good feelings don't last long,_ _I learned. We started dating a few weeks after prom and I was... the happiest I had ever been, honestly. It was magic for me. I loved him, and he loved me. Or so I thought..._

_We dated until we got to college. We were going to different colleges, and... He thought we just couldn't make it work._ "We'd be too far away, and college work would keep us too busy to see each other." _He had told me. Of course, the first thing I felt was... I guess I could call it depression. I never thought I could feel so... hurt. But I did. And I hated it._

_For the next few months, I kinda... shut down. I dropped out of college before the semester even started, and I got a part-time job at a shitty cafe. It paid good, and I eventually got a nice apartment to settle down in. I ceased contact with anyone I knew from high school and never really ate much after that. Once Chet got out of college, I was finally stable enough to go into college, so of course, I felt like a total loser for the first half of the semester._

_When I finally finished college, I... wasn't sure what to do. I didn't really think I'd make it past college, yet here I was. Like a lost little puppy... But I knew, deep down, I could manage. My mind didn't really believe what I was trying to convince it, but... I guessed I could manage._

_Time went by, I grew more and more distant. I don't know exactly what happened, but I just couldn't take life. I couldn't fake a smile. I couldn't force a laugh. I couldn't pretend that everything was okay when it wasn't. At least in my mind it wasn't._

_The night that I decided I didn't want to live anymore, and I just needed to end it all, I got a text. A text from someone I hadn't talked to in a while. Nine years, to be exact. A text from..._

_Chet._

_It was weird, to say the least. I'd never expected him to talk to me again, and especially not to give me such a... disturbing question._

'If you're drowning, and no one is there to save you, what would it feel like?'

_I stared at my phone for... 20 minutes, at least. I couldn't wrap my head around why he'd ask me that. If I was... drowning..._

_And that brings us back to square one. If I was drowning, and no one was there to save me, I'd say it would feel cold, piercing, painful..._

_Lonely._

_Dark, even, knowing that no one would care enough to save you. Knowing that you were so distant, or so... idiotic that people couldn't care less whether you lived or died. I wanted to ask what prompted him to say that. I wanted to ask why now of all times did he choose to ask this._

_But I couldn't._

_After staring at my phone screen for a while, I threw my phone to the floor. And looked at my ceiling. I... don't remember what was running through my mind at the time. I just remember looking around at my trashed apartment. Looking at the beer bottles and wine glasses strewn about carelessly; the kitchen knives I had used to create the red, angry scars on my wrists..._

_I hated it._

_I hated it all._

_I hated the bottles._

_I hated the glasses._

_I hated the knives._

_I hated... Myself._

_I knew that what I thought I had couldn't be brought back. I knew that I was never going to find someone that I loved more than Chet. I knew Chet would never love me the way I love him. I knew that..._

_It was over._

_And I was free._

_Free of pain._

_Free of worry._

_Free of strife._

_Free of..._

_Heartbreak._


End file.
